


The Meaning of the River Flowing - Wolfstar

by wolfstar_mc



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marauders - Fandom, Marauders Era - Fandom, Remus Lupin - Fandom, Wolfstar - Fandom, sirius black - Fandom
Genre: Bisexual Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Peter who?, Ravenclaw Remus Lupin, Remus is not a werewolf, Remus x Sirius, Sirius Black x Remus Lupin - Freeform, remus lupin x sirius black - Freeform, sirius x remus, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:21:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfstar_mc/pseuds/wolfstar_mc
Summary: Remus had gotten through his seven years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry completely under the radar, just as he'd planned. But now, he wanted a fresh start, somewhere where nobody knew his name and he got to decide who he wanted to be.In which Remus wants to spend a couple of months in Paris after he finished school, but he can't afford to rent a place of his own, so he rents a room with a wealthy wizarding family. He expected a room and a friendly family, he had never expected to light a flame that he wasn't sure how to snuff out.[Inspired by Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman - My favourite book]
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	1. Prologue.

Hogwarts was a fantastic school.

I learned a lot while I was there, and over my time studying, I'd become a fairly gifted wizard. I had a lot of skills, a particular knack for Transfiguration and was always top of the class in Defence Against the Dark Arts. Not to sound overly cocky, though. Everyone else in Ravenclaw knew my name and knew that if they wanted some extra help in any of their studies, to go to me. However, if asked to point me out in the class, most would struggle.

_Remus Lupin? Smart kids, top marks, couldn't tell you who he is, though._

But that's how I liked it. I wanted to fly under the radar, achieve good grades and finish my schooling so that I could go out into the real world and build a career for myself. At least that's how I had wanted it for most of my schooling; I'd be lying if I said that, by the time fifth or sixth year rolled around, I hadn't felt the absence of a group of friends or a fun, carefree school life. But, it was done now. I was closing that chapter of my life and moving onto the next.

The only difference in this chapter was that I got to write it. Don't get me wrong, I actually quite liked school. I like to learn new things and practice new skills, but I craved a life where I was the main character. I wanted to pack up and leave for a few months at a time when I felt claustrophobic where I was, I wanted to go somewhere new, where I get to create myself all over again and have people know the me that's existed only since I stepped off of the plane, and not a second beforehand.

In a way, I suppose that I was running away. Running away from a version of my life that I had convinced myself and the people around me was the right one for me. But I was wrong - the whole thing was all wrong. Try Again!

So, my impulse decision was to break into the savings that I'd kept throughout my time at Hogwarts and book a flight to Paris. A totally new place, totally new faces, and somewhere where nobody knows who I am. However, I am eighteen years old and unemployed. So, clearly, my options were very limited. I couldn't afford to rent a place of my own and I certainly couldn't afford to spend a month or two in a hotel. Dream squashed? Maybe.

But no, there was always more options. Families that were willing to let a stranger stay with them for a small price - I would have my own room and full use of the house, I'd still have all of the freedom that I could want.

_Dear Mr and Mrs Potter, please, be the co-writers of this new chapter?_


	2. What's His Name?

The cab driver didn't speak a word of English. This became a problem, when I stepped into the car and gave him the address of the villa I'd rented a room in, he nodded and started driving, without a word. I didn't want to question him - this is where he's from, his job is to drive people like me to wherever their destination is, and I'm sure he knows these streets inside and out. Except, I was almost certain that the owners of the villa I'd booked to stay in, Mr and Mrs Potter, had told him that it was just a thirty minute drive from the airport to their house. Now, having been in the car for almost 45 minutes, I was growing worried. 

_Leave it_ , I told myself. You'll get there in the end.

I was right, perhaps I should listen to myself more often. The cab driver had taken me through many a windy road and secluded tracks that didn't look as if they were used too often, but after almost an hour, we pulled up at what I immediately recognised as my new home for the next five weeks. There was ivy growing all over the front of the house and the windows were old enough to give off a vintage look that added character, instead of an old and worn down look. 

There was a pathway that looked as if it would lead right into the back garden, but I worried that it would be rude and intrusive to simply walk down and enter the garden myself, so I set my trunk down on the ground and rang the doorbell that was attached to the grand, oak door. I stood back, grasping the handle of my trunk again and waited for somebody to answer the door. After a few moments, the door swung open and I'd almost convinced myself that they'd had it charmed, because it looked as if nobody was there, holding it open. However, my glance drifted down to find, possibly the most well kept House Elf I'd ever come across. 

"Hello, Sir, are you Mr Remus Lupin, Sir?"

I nodded. "Yes, I am." I smiled down at the elf. I was instantly put at an odd sort of ease, seeing the elf look so well kept and delighted to serve. These must be some decent wizards, then. 

"Please come in, Sir, Trinket will take your trunk, Sir, Mr and Mrs Potter are just through the archway, Sir." The House Elf, Trinket, insisted. 

"No, no, don't worry. I can handle this." She was so small, I couldn't possibly allow her to lug my heavy luggage through the house.

Trinket smiled up at me and was about to reply, but her attention was turned away from me when Mr and Mrs Potter emerged from what I assumed to be the living room, on the right of the hallway that I was standing in. They were both beaming and I was sure I recognised them. It had crossed my mind when I'd booked the villa in the first place, that it could be Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, the well known wizard and witch, but I assumed it wouldn't be so, what would they be doing, living in Paris? However, it seemed that my earlier wonderings had been correct. 

"Welcome, Remus. I'm Fleamont." Mr Potter shook my hand firmly and smiled at me, his eyes glinting through his glasses. "This is my wife, Euphemia." 

Mrs Potter beamed and enveloped me in a warm hug, requesting for Trinket to take my trunk up to my room, I started to insist that I could manage it, but she assured me that trinket was well used to it, and that she enjoyed her work, there. I'd only begun to think about their son, who'd been in my year at Hogwarts. James, his name was. I'd had one or two classes with him, though, if I remember correctly, I didn't think I'd ever spoken to him. I wonder if he's here, too?

"Thank you for having me, Mr and Mrs Potter." 

Mrs Potter shook her head, waving me off. "Oh, please, call us Fleamont and Euphemia. 'Mrs Potter' does make me feel terribly old." She laughed. "Our sons have popped to the shops for some groceries, I think you'll get on with them. Mischievous pair, they are."

I was now following the two of them into the large kitchen area, which was flooded with natural sunlight. "Yes, I think I had some classes with your son, at Hogwarts. James, isn't it?" 

Euphemia looked very pleased to have learned that I knew her son, even vaguely. But she mentioned that she had two sons, I hadn't been aware of another one. "Oh, how lovely! Yes, James and Sirius. We adopted Sirius into the family when he was sixteen. Though, you'd have thought they were brothers since they were eleven." She smiled as she spoke, obviously very fond of the two of them.

I knew the name the moment she'd mentioned him. Sirius Black, of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. Everyone in the wizarding world knew of the Blacks, they were a pureblood elitist family, heavily involved in dark magic. Everyone also knew of Sirius Black, himself, the heir of the house of Black, who'd been disowned and had run away, because of everything that his family were. I also knew of Sirius Black from school, often seeing him causing trouble with James Potter or walking around the school as if he'd owned the whole castle. He always did seem very interesting. Not too bad to look at, either.

Euphemia and Trinket showed me to my temporary bedroom, leaving me to unpack and make myself at home. The room was quite big and the main wall was mostly taken up by a huge window, looking out to the back garden. there were some heavy curtains pulled to either side of it but I didn't suspect that I would use it very much, I quite liked to get into bed with the curtains and blinds open and watch the outside before I fall asleep.

I filled the closet that stood next to my bed with my clothes and shoes and set out my various belongings on my bedside table and the desk in the corner. I had changed and brushed my teeth when I heard new voices mingling with those of Mr and Mrs Potter coming from downstairs. Their sons must have arrived home from the grocery store. I opened the bedroom door while I finished unpacking to try to hear what was going on downstairs. 

"He arrived not too long ago." I recognised the voice as Mr Potter's.

"And he said he was in our year at school?" One of the new voices, a deep, booming one.

"Yes." Mr Potter, again.

"What's his name?" Another new voice, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up when I heard this one.

"Remus Lupin." 

I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to go downstairs and meet these two boys, so I quickly messed up my hair in the mirror above the desk and started to walk downstairs. The steps were old and each one made a creaking noise that was louder than the previous one. The voices hushed when everyone heard the creaking and knew that I was on the way downstairs.

James Potter and Sirius Black looked quite a bit older than I'd remembered. Potter was still sporting that messy just-rolled-out-of-bed look that I remember many girls being quite fond of, and Black was almost exactly how I remembered him - shaggy black hair and grey eyes, still wearing a battered leather jacket like he had at Hogwarts, even in the summer heat. I would have to declare myself a liar if I told you that I hadn't spent many a class allowing myself to study Sirius Black, when we were in school. there was a reason that so many people were infatuated by him - The Hogwarts Heartthrob, I distinctly remembered people calling him. You didn't even have to be blessed with sight to recognise why, even his voice had a certain attractiveness to it, alone.

"I'm Remus, Remus Lupin." 

James Potter shook my hand and asked "Yeah, you were in our year at Hogwarts, weren't you?" 

"Yes, Ravenclaw." 

Then Sirius Black shook my hand, firmer than James had. "Yeah, I know you, the smartest bloke in school!" His cheeky grin only got stronger with his words. 

I didn't want to seem cocky, so I shook my head. "I'm sure that's not true." But, as far as I'd ever known, it was true. The only thing nobody bothered to ask for my help in was potions. Fuck potions.

Within a few days, I had more or less figured out the whole little town, and I knew where I was going. I had met some other English people at a café that I'd stopped at for a coffee on my third day, they'd invited me for drinks the next day, so I went. They were slightly boring, to be honest, but they seemed genuine and kind, so I decided that it would be better to have some friends while I was there. I'd also started to become more comfortable speaking to James and Sirius, though, I didn't feel that I wanted to intrude on their obviously very close friendship, so I kept my distance. But they seemed very intelligent and interesting. Sirius spoke fluent French and James was trying, but I didn't imagine it was going to work out too well. I knew the very basics of French, and he was struggling to grasp any of it, if truth be told.

On my fifth day, I arrived for breakfast on the patio, the last of the household to arrive. James was helping himself to some of the fresh fruit on the table and Sirius was flicking through the Daily Prophet, wearing a green bathing suit that I'd quickly realised must have been his favourite, since he wore it all the time. He had some tattoos on his chest and arms, they suited him. 

I tried not to stare as I greeted everybody and accepted Mrs Potter's offer of a slice of toast and helped myself to a banana, but it was difficult. His entire body was tanned except for his ears. They were still snow white. He looked up at me and smiled so I acted as if I'd found myself glancing at him at the exact moment he looked back and moved my gaze to the bushes behind him. 

"I'm going to the lake for a swim." 

"Hang on, I'm coming with." James stood up and pulled his t shirt off of his body and left it draped over the chair he'd occupied. 

"Remus, fancy a swim?" 

Me? 

"Yeah, ok, then." 


	3. Yellow Swimming Shorts

James and Sirius liked to swim. At any given time you could hear their laughing coming from the lake, or find them walking back into the garden, dripping wet and in search of something to eat, tired from their activities. I hadn't swam in the lake before. I never wanted to disturb their fun by joining them and I felt it would be odd to go and swim alone.

But it was nice here. The lake's water was very clear and fresh, though it was freezing. James and Sirius didn't seem phased by the water's temperature, as they hopped right in. Sirius emerged from the water very quickly, pushing his now wet hair out of his face. His hair was nice. It was almost jet black except for in some lights when you could see that it was actually a very dark brown, and it always curled in just the right way, grazing his shoulders. I realised that I had been staring, so I got into the water and swam around for a moment. 

"What made you come to France?" 

I rubbed the water out of my eyes and shrugged. "Change of scenery, I guess." I wanted to ask why they were here, too, but I decided not to. 

"Fair enough. So, what are you planning on doing now that you're finished school?" Sirius shot me a smile that made my cheeks heat up and I tried to look at James for a moment instead, so he wouldn't notice. Though, perhaps my cheeks had been red the entire time and that was why he gave me that smile, in the first place. I found that I liked the feeling of my cheeks heating up and existing only in his stare. 

"I have a few thoughts. Dumbledore offered me a job as Defence Professor, if I wanted it." 

"You should take that." Sirius nodded. 

"Gonna get some butterbeers. Back in a sec." James left the lake and started walking up the pathway to the house. 

I felt a little uneasy, being left in Sirius' company, alone. It took about fifteen seconds for me to notice that he hadn't stopped staring at me. He broke the silence that was closing in around us. "You weren't going to accept the offer."

I shook my head. "I wasn't." 

"Why's that?" 

"I don't want to feel like I never left school." 

"I doubt you would." 

"I think so." 

"Well, it's your life, Lupin. I think you'd be a good Professor. I think I would have quite enjoyed attending your class, had I still been a student." 

And then he winked at me. I wondered if I'd imagined it, seen something that I wanted to see. Did I even want to see it? I wasn't sure, but I tried not to ponder it for too long. James seemed to be taking an awfully long time, all of the sudden. Sirius started swimming around the lake again, not phased by our conversation. As he swam, I could see the silver glint of his chain under the water. It was very small and dainty, glimmering in the sunlight. I liked it. 

"You seem a decent bloke, Lupin. How come we never spoke in school?" It seemed that Black was always speaking. Perhaps he was threatened by silence. I didn't mind.

"As I remember, we had one or two classes together." I recounted. 

Then he laughed. A light, comfortable laugh that made him seem so nonchalant and chilled that I couldn't even imagine him uncomfortable or nervous at all. "Oh, I know that. I spent many a class trying to catch your attention." 

"Why was that?" I felt like sinking down and drowning myself when my voice cracked over the last word.

"Come on, Professor Lupin. You're smart enough to know why that was." 

Both of us were splashed with fresh water as James launched himself back into the water, emerging a few seconds afterwards, flicking his thick hair back. "Drinks are over there." 

Sirius whispered 'Accio' and caught the three bottles that were sent hurtling towards him, throwing one to myself and James. "Cheers." He sipped his drink and kept eye contact with me.

"Cheers." 

***

Dinner, that night, was torture. It was 6pm when Mrs Potter rang the bell downstairs, indicating that it was time to go to dinner. When it was warm out like this, we ate at the table outside. I arrived there to find that Sirius' chair had been pulled out and his plates were stacked with his napkin on top. I took the seat next to the one that was supposed to be his. Where was he? How could he have been so flirtatious with me earlier in the day and then spend dinner, presumably out on the town, as he and James often went, probably romancing some other girl or guy, and showing them the same charm? 

"He's didn't say where he was going." James whispered to me. His parents didn't hear, just kept eating and speaking amongst themselves. I must have been transparent. "You were wondering." James said.

"What makes you think that?" I tried to seem nonchalant and chilled as Sirius himself had seemed in the lake, earlier. I wasn't as good at it as he was. 

"You're not the best actor in the world, Lupin." 

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean." 

We were eating dessert when Sirius arrived at the table, taking his seat and apologising profusely for his absence. Lost track of time, he said. _Lost track of time doing what?_ I didn't ask. I didn't want to know. He went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread that had been left over from dinner and buttered it while we ate dessert. He wasn't very hungry, he insisted. Perhaps he'd already eaten. I tried not to wonder where he'd been, it really was nothing to do with me. I didn't even like him like that. 

The next morning he wore a pair of yellow swimming shorts that I hadn't seen before. I'd seen green, blue and even a pink pair, that James made fun of whenever he'd worn them. But never yellow. They looked new, like they hadn't been worn in or faded yet. They were still bright and I could see the frayed thread from where he must have ripped off the price tag. They were nice. They were ever so slightly shorter than his other ones had been, anytime he moved you could spot the tan line on his upper thigh. Milky, smooth white contrasted with golden, warm, inviting bronze. I decided I wanted to touch that line, right where each of the colours meet. I wanted to run my right thumb around the entire line, all the way around each of his legs. The milky white exactly matched the colour of his underarms, when he stretched, usually before he fell asleep in the grass next to the lake. It most probably matched the colour of everything that the shorts covered, too.

"What are you staring at?" 

"Nothing." 

_Caught._


	4. Yeah, You Did.

I was determined to make my trip to Paris about more than a boy with curly hair and tattoos. I had come here with the intention of visiting landmarks and meeting new people, and that, I would do.

So I got up early one morning and left a note in the kitchen to explain where I was, and I set off on a bike that I'd rented to explore the city. It was a beautiful, hot day, and the entire city was packed with people out walking and sitting in every little café and restaurant around the place. The whole place was beautifully picturesque. I wondered what it would be like to live here permanently, walk these streets and visit these cafe's for a drink every day. To work here and enjoy the surroundings indefinitely. It would be paradise. 

Everybody around seemed very interesting, too. I would have liked to stop and make conversation with the people I'd seen, and I was tempted to, too. But I felt that it may seem a little odd, a lanky British man stopping to chat. So I kept cycling. After about an hour I grew tired and stopped at a roadside stall to purchase a bottle of water. I took a large gulp and then poured bit onto my hands, running them through my hair and over my face. The sun was very strong. 

I was cycling down a particularly crowded street when I spotted Sirius Black, walking with a shorter girl with red hair and a thin frame. She looked about our age, perhaps a year younger. I tried to avoid their path, keeping my eyeline away from them so that if he did spot me, perhaps he wouldn't care, or feel the need to greet me, if he thought that I hadn't seen him. I didn't feel like speaking to him when he was with her. She was very pretty, and that angered me.

I decided to cycle back to the villa. I didn't fancy bumping into them again, and it was almost lunch time, so I assumed that he wouldn't be joining everybody else for lunch, seeing as he was out. 

And I was right. I arrived just in time for lunch, and, once again, Sirius' chair was pulled away from the table with his plates stacked on the table. James' hair was wet as if he'd been swimming in the lake before lunch, and it took me a few moments to realise that Mr Potter was also absent. Probably working. Would I like some bread with my salad? No, thank you. I didn't want bread, I didn't even want lunch, but I didn't want to be rude. I wondered where Sirius was with that girl, now. I wondered what they were doing. I wondered who she was and how she found herself wrapped up in his life. I wondered why I hadn't been so lucky. 

"Where did you say Sirius is, dear?" My stomach flipped as Mrs Potter asked the question of James. 

James didn't seem phased by this, buttering his bread and answering without so much as lifting his head to meet his mothers gaze. "He and Lily went to the town for a bit. Shopping, or something." 

_Lily._ Is that his girlfriend? I decidedly did not ask, though I did wonder. I thought about what their relationship would be like, and for a moment, allowed myself to imagine what he looked like when he had sex. All muscly hands grabbing, exposed tan lines and the smell of warmth, I imagined. I thought about his hair sticking to his forehead as he grew hot and the one tattoo on his leg that I'd noticed only yesterday, the one that sat over the tan line, residing in both the pale and tanned skin. I wanted to become that tattoo, and sit on the border where white meets brown, stretching and moving to accommodate his movements and in the colder months, learning to reside on just pale skin, waiting for summer to arrive again so as to welcome the delicious equator between the two skin tones that he now sported. 

I wondered if he had any other tattoos that I hadn't noticed, though I doubted it. I took every opportunity that I could find to study them, relishing in each one that decorated his smooth skin. I could tell which ones he'd picked at before they'd fully healed and left tiny, almost unnoticeable patches of ink that looked far more faded than the rest, and I swore that I could tell the older ones from the new, too. 

I found myself quite on edge for the rest of the day. It was only getting hotter as the day went on so I sat by the lake with my book, throwing myself into the cold water every so often when the heat became too much for me. But with each passing hour I became less and less focused on reading, constantly looking back to the villa and the garden to see if there was any sign of Sirius coming back. 

I got in the lake, let myself float on my back and I closed my eyes. It was getting later, and the sun wasn't quite so hot. The water was freezing and my skin was covered in goosebumps now, but I didn't mind. I knew that it was probably time for me to get out and go get changed before dinner, but for now, I just wanted to float. Float, and pretend like I was just a leaf on the water's surface that nobody knew by name and nobody expected to be or to do anything. 

"What are you thinking about?" I finally lifted my head up and he was standing there, hands shoved in his pockets and almost looking unimpressed. 

"Nothing." 

"You don't see like the type to think about nothing." 

"What type do I seem like?" 

And then he was in the lake. Fully clothed and sunglasses still resting on his head, holding his hair away from his face. "I haven't decided yet." 

"And you think you're going to have me all figured out, when you do decide?" 

"Maybe." His white t shirt was now completely see through. "Dinner won't be too long." 

"You got in the lake, in your clothes, to tell me that?" 

"Maybe I just got in the lake because I wanted to swim with you. I saw you in town, today. Cycling. You didn't say 'Hi'."

"I didn't see you." 

There was that smile, again. He climbed out of the lake and pulled his shirt off, ringing the water out with his hands, removing his sunglasses from his head and shaking his hair around like a dog. "Yeah, you did." 

***

I couldn't stop thinking about it. Every day, every moment that he was around, every moment that he wasn't. 'Yeah, you did.' What could he have meant by that? Was he so arrogant as to believe that I was cycling around town, keeping my eyes peeled, hoping to see him walking around? Maybe I was, sure, but was he so arrogant as to think so? His very presence was the bane of my existence yet I couldn't stand to be without it. I almost felt physically ill when he wasn't within my eyeline.

_Wherever you are, whoever you're with, I don't care. Spend a thought on me. I won’t be there, I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But I’ll hear it._


	5. Don’t ever let me refuse, Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobic slur (only one, it’s quite mild)

Looking back now, James Potter could always see right through the both of us. More than likely, he saw the thing that connected us from the moment that I walked downstairs and introduced myself to the two of them, before either of us had. There was something that tied us together from the very moment that I heard his voice coming from downstairs, the voice that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and the voice that, admittedly, had aroused me from the get go, before I'd even seen the face that matched it. 

James Potter could see through us as if we were made of glass. Every word that we ached to say were right in our eyes and he could see them. 

It was two weeks into my visit when Sirius first touched me. He walked out to the dining table in the garden at midday, when the rest of us were about to begin lunch. He'd only woken up minutes before, his eyes were still squinted, trying to adjust to the light and his hair was pulled into a bun at the top of his head, my favourite hairstyle of his. I had been sitting with my back to the door and when he stepped out, he placed his hand on my shoulder for a few short seconds as he greeted everyone. He removed it all too quickly and took his seat opposite me, next to Mrs. Potter. The sun was behind the clouds and it wasn't particularly warm that day but I swore my shoulder felt sunburnt and raw, as if his touch had set fire to the flesh that it sought. I had an overwhelming desire to nuzzle my face against the shoulder that he'd gripped, and wondered what it would be like for him to touch my entire body like that, for him to make me feel like I'd been thrown into a fire with nothing but his touch. I wouldn't mind the feeling, wouldn't mind the blistering heat and I wished that the touch to my shoulder had left a permanent scar so that for the rest of my life I could look in the mirror and know exactly where had been touched and where hadn't been, so as to know precisely what part of my shoulder to never let anybody else touch or even look at because from that moment, it belonged to him, and only him. Anybody else that could ever dare to touch that spot would be trespassing on his property. 

I tried not to catch his eyes for the rest of the meal, and dared myself not to speak directly to him. A part of me was terrified that if I looked at him he'd be able to read me like a book, like I'd be handing him every memory that I had of staring at him, thinking about him, wondering what it would be like to be underneath him, on top of him, beside him, to be somebody that he considered a friend and was a constant in his life. I may as well hand him a vile filled with everything I've thought or wondered about him along with a pensieve and tell him, _Watch these, watch these and know everything that I've tried to hide from you, you can laugh at me as hard as you like, spit on me and call me a poof, I won't mind. Just don't you dare look me in the eye, because only then could I reveal too much._

I tried to recreate the feeling. I brushed by his arm as I passed him, didn't retract my leg when he sat next to me at the table and our knees touched. I think that he could tell what I was doing, every time our skin met his gaze lingered on me for just a second or two longer than usual. It never worked, the brush of our skin and nudging of knees sent tingles up my spine but never elicited the same reaction as when he deliberately placed his hand on my body. Perhaps the whole rush came from the idea that he walked out the door, saw me there and wanted to touch me. Wanted our flesh to meet and took it upon himself to do it without asking permission. Not that I would ever deny him the pleasure.

The feeling of his touch was my favourite. A close second, however, was the feeling of his eyes burning into me. Sometimes, as I sat in the sun by the lake with my eyes closed, book discarded on my chest, still open, I could feel his eyes settling on me and staring. Part of me never wanted to open my eyes so as not to make him feel like he had to look away, another part wanted to open my eyes and stare right back, stare right into his grey eyes and try to tell him without words that he could ask anything of me and I'd sooner drown myself in the lake than tell him no. Don't ever let me refuse, Sirius.

Two days after he touched me, after many a nudging knee or brushing arm, he arrived home from a night out with James and the same girl that I'd seen him with before, the one with the red hair. Lily. James had asked me if I'd like to come along, but I knew the difference between an invitation because you're wanted and an invitation because it'd be rude not to invite you. I could sense that this time, it was the latter. I told James thank you, but I was tired and didn't fancy going out. It was almost three o'clock in the morning when I heard the front door open and the hushed tone of two familiar voices accompanied by a new, more feminine one. It was clear that they'd all been drinking and I could hear them speaking and laughing downstairs until they stumbled upstairs. When the house was quiet again and they'd all retired to whatever bedroom they were staying in, I decided to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. 

I didn't lock the door. In fact, I left it open a crack. Maybe, without being aware of it, I'd been hoping that he, too, would decide to walk into the bathroom at the same time. Maybe that was why I secretly felt relieved when the door swung open and revealed him, smiling deliriously and eyes wide when she realised that he wasn't alone in there. He was clearly drunk and looked as if he could pass out at any moment.

"What are you doing awake?" He smiled and walked to the toilet in the corner and started to pee into it. I wondered if he was just drunk and lacked his usual sense, or if he was just that open and didn't mind doing such a thing in the presence of someone that he knew so little. I didn't mind.

"I couldn't sleep." 

It was when he walked back over to the sink and started to wash his hands that I noticed a small, purple mark on his neck. I wished I hadn't seen it, because the second that I saw it, I knew exactly what the next few days would consist of for me; staring at his neck, wondering who'd done such a thing to such beautiful skin, wishing I'd been the one to do it, wondering how it would feel to look at him and see a bruise that I'd placed there on purpose, as a way to remind myself for a few days that I'd been lucky enough to touch him, and that it wasn't just a dream or a fantasy that I'd blown out of proportion. Unfortunately, I am not so lucky. As much as I couldn’t stand the thought of somebody else touching him, I found that I didn’t hate the thought of watching him receive such a bruise. I thought about what he might have looked like when it was happening, eyes closed and lips slightly parted. 

"You always look so serious, Remus. You should show off that pretty smile, more." He was leaning against the counter, watching me brush my teeth. 

I didn't answer. Almost choked on my toothpaste. I didn't think that I had it in me to answer. What could I say to that? All I knew was that I wanted him to say it again, say it again and then once more even after that. Say it when I wake up, say it before I go to sleep and in years to come, when I'm laying on my deathbed, banish my family from the room so that it's just you and I and make those the last words that I ever hear before I die. If you can't do that, kill me abruptly so that I can't dwell on your absence.

"You do have a pretty smile. I've seen it." Sirius continued. I hummed and dared myself to turn my head and look him in the eye after I'd spit out my toothpaste and took a sip of water. His eyes darted all over my face and I wondered if anything in my life would ever compare to the feeling of him staring at me, and me staring back. _Did he know?_

"G'night, Lupin." 

And he was gone. He turned his back on me and walked out the door and into his bedroom and I wouldn't see him again until morning. I went to my own bed, lay on my side, and for a while, I smiled to myself, recounting the conversation that hardly counted as a conversation in the bathroom. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine his eyes in front of mine again. But the last thought I had before I fell asleep was about the little bruise on his neck.

_I hate him._


	6. perhaps that’s where all the fun lies.

I wanted to yell and scream at him, throw a thing or two at him and watch him duck out of the way because I didn't want to hurt him but I wanted him to think that I did. I craved a screaming match in the kitchen or out the back yard where the rest of the Potter's would be forced to watch and listen. I wished he knew that he'd wronged me but he had no idea because he wasn't mine, but I was his. I decided to give him the silent treatment instead. It never occurred to me at the time that by giving him the silent treatment, I was still the one in pain. I hated sitting at the breakfast table and speaking to everybody as normal, avoiding speaking to him. I hated waiting until he and James were out to swim in the lake so that he wouldn't join me. I hated every minute of not speaking to him or acknowledging him but it was worth it on the off chance that he hated it, too. 

I tried to reverse the habit that I'd formed of shamelessly staring at him as he sunbathed in the grass. I'd given up concealing my staring not too long after I'd arrived, not because I'd grown unashamed of my inability to hide everything that I desired from him but because a part of me wanted him to see it, wanted him to look me in the eyes and see it all, because the shame that I felt only made it better, it reminded me, every moment of every day, how much better he was than me and how small I was in comparison. Instead of staring, I'd sit on my usual spot in the grass, only now I'd have my back facing him so that I couldn't be tempted to break the rules I'd set for myself and glance above the pages of my book to see him, limbs strewn across the grass and gaining tan by the second. I hoped that the tables had turned and while my back was to him, he was staring at me and trying to figure out what he could have possibly done wrong. I hoped that he couldn't sleep at night over it and I wanted him to come to me, on his knees, begging for me to tell him what he'd done wrong so that he could fix it. Little would he know that all that he had to do was place his hand on my cheek and I would yield without question or argument.

It started the morning after our bathroom encounter, when I arrived at the breakfast table a few minutes after I'd been certain that I heard him go downstairs, just so that I could make a point of sitting in my usual seat and greeting everybody with a nod except for him. For him, an icy cold glare, instead. I'd arrived at the table to find that there was an extra person joining us for breakfast. It was Lily, the one with the fiery red hair and bright green eyes. She was sitting next to James and having a conversation with Sirius, opposite her. He was sitting where James usually sat, next to where I usually sat. I took my seat, quietly hoping that my seating choice would make it even more clear to him that I was ignoring him, and only him. 

"You must be Remus, Sirius told me all about you. I'm Lily!" She smiled and I noticed how exceptionally straight and white her teeth were. I wondered if she'd had braces before.

"Hello." I smiled back. She must be Sirius' girlfriend, it was the only explanation. _Sirius told me all about you._ Sirius told you about the odd boy from Hogwarts that was staying with them, you mean. Have fun sucking on his neck last night, then, did you? I was suddenly just as angry at her as I was with Sirius himself. They got along very well, I could tell. I grew to hate her for it before breakfast had finished. I hated it every time he'd say something funny and look to her before anybody else to see if she'd laughed or even cracked a smile, I hated seeing him peel her banana for her because she couldn't stand the feeling of the skin, I hated both of them more each time they looked at one another. I wished I was the one that he knew so well as to do such small, intimate things for. I decided then and there to hate her until the day I die, because she stole everything from me before I'd had a chance to seize it. It was hardly fair. 

When everybody had finished eating breakfast and both Mr and Mrs Potter had gotten up and started going about their business, Sirius stood up and asked if anybody fancied an early morning swim in the lake. James and Lily agreed immediately and he looked at me, awaiting an answer. I shook my head without looking at his face and he smiled and muttered 'suit yourself' before starting down the cobblestone pathway with the other two. 

"Oh, Remus." Lily stopped behind James and Sirius. I stared up at her smiling face, startled that she'd called me ever so suddenly. "The boys and I were going to head out for an afternoon drink after we swim, you will join us, won't you?"

What, so that I can sit and watch you two, practically all over each other? No, thank you. "I'd hate to impose." I wanted to be the type of polite that was so polite that it troubled somebody into thinking that there was something less pleasant lurking underneath. She didn't seem phased.

"Nonsense, you'll meet us in the kitchen at midday." And she was off, trailing behind the boys on the cobblestone, her bare feet making a light slapping sound against the ground as she hurried to catch up to them. My afternoon had been decided for me and I tried to think of a way out of it, but it's not as if I could pretend to have prior engagements, as Mr and Mrs Potter would be home all day, too, and would know that there was something up. I considered going to town by myself and wandering around for a while so as to seem that I had other plans, but then I imagined myself bumping into the three of them, coffee in one hand and checking the time on my watch so as to see how much longer I had to make myself scarce for. It would never work. 

I could hear their laughing coming from the lake along with some water splashing around. I could tell which laugh belonged to him instantly and it stirred an arousal in me but also made me want to storm down to the lake and hold his head under the water for just long enough that his face would change colour and he'd resurface, spluttering and choking. Not long enough for him to drown, of course. I'm not a monster. I thought about what he would look like when he got out of the lake in his brand new white swimming shorts, and I wasn't so angry anymore. 

***

As much as I desperately wanted to ignore him for the rest of my stay and go back home in a few weeks time, leaving him here, confused and worried about what he could have possibly done wrong, I couldn't help but allow his absence from my day to day life to swallow me. Every desire I'd had for him since I'd arrived had only gotten worse, and it was becoming unbearable. I was in my room, getting ready for the afternoon drinks that I was to share with Sirius, James and Lily against my will when I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs and walking down the landing. I knew that it was him from the weight and pattern of his footsteps, and his habit of whistling whenever he was walking somewhere without the company of somebody else. For a moment, I heard his footsteps come to a halt outside of my room, as if considering whether to enter or not. I wished that he would, I wished that he would slip inside the room and close the heavy door behind him, and just watch me as I changed into my clothes. I felt a rush of embarrassment flow through my body as I imagined his eyes on me, shamelessly staring, but I found that I was intrigued by the idea of him humiliating me. I wanted him to watch me undress and tell me of every flaw that he could see. The mere thought of it was far more sexual than anything I'd ever experienced.

When he actually did appear in the doorway of my room, leaned against the frame, I wondered if he had been reading my mind when he lingered outside. He was frowning and he was holding his t shirt, balled up in his left hand. 

"Are you going to tell me why you've been ignoring me?" 

"I haven't been ignoring you." I'd given up on my game without considering it. I'd failed. 

"Yes you have." He closed the door and sat on my bed. I was suddenly very aware that all that I had to do to re-enact the fantasy that I'd been having not minutes earlier was strip off some of my clothes. I'd take off my t shirt first and watch his reaction, and if he didn't immediately run then I'd undo the button on my jeans and pull them down to my ankles. I'd keep going until he stopped me and even then I'd simply ask him, _Does this make you uncomfortable, Sirius? It makes me uncomfortable, but perhaps that's where all the fun lies._

"Does it bother you that I've been ignoring you?" Where had this bravery come from?

"Yes. It does, as it goes. I don't like not talking to you." 

I could feel my heart sitting in my stomach and I busied myself with straightening the books that sat on my desk. "I can't see why." I was being difficult, and I knew that I was. I wanted him to hate me, though maybe I just wanted him to feel _something_ for me.

"I think that you know exactly why." 

He was standing now, almost breathing down my neck. My feet felt like they'd been nailed to the floor so I couldn't turn to face him, I could just feel the warmth of his breath tickling the back of my neck, making every little hair that resided there stand on guard. He placed one of his palms right in between my shoulder blades, flat and sticky from the sun screen that he was wearing. There was that feeling again, the hot, pinpricks taking over the entire affected area. _Keep that hand there. Whatever you do, don't take it off. The second you move that hand I seize to exist, because this is the most alive that I've ever felt._ For a brief moment, I could have sworn that he'd pressed his nose to the back of my neck. I couldn't be sure, I could have imagined it because right as I registered what I thought it was, the hand had left my skin and he was walking out of my bedroom, leaving the t shirt he'd been holding in a ball on my bedspread. 

I couldn’t help myself. I picked up the t shirt and rubbed it over my entire face, inhaling his scent and heat as I did it. I held my face in the fabric for as long as I could until the heat that my breath created was too much for my face to bare and I put it back down. I wondered what he would say if I walked into the kitchen, ready to go for drinks, wearing his t shirt. He probably wouldn’t say anything in front of James and Lily, and this was exactly what possessed me with the courage to pull it over my head and onto my body. 

I liked the feeling. I loved that something as flimsy and unimportant as a t shirt could make me feel so close to him. If I kept this shirt on for the rest of the night, maybe, by the time I’d crawl into bed, my skin will have adopted his smell at least for the night, so that I could fall asleep to his smell and wake up to it in the morning, because I already knew that I’d have the t shirt stuffed under my pillow, or perhaps pulled over my pillow in lieu of a pillowcase. 


	7. t shirt

Sirius noticed my wearing his t shirt the moment he looked at me. A wry smile appeared on his face and he initiated somewhat of a staring competition. Inevitably, I lost, when his gaze became much too intimidating and I felt 3 inches tall, despite being a half a foot taller than him. I liked it. I would have liked to stare back at him all night, so as to show him that I was not intimidated, no matter how severe a lie it was. Then again, I was quite excited by the idea of him knowing exactly the effects that he had on me. 

In recent events, he'd been giving in to my many little games. Staring at each other, never seeming to mind when I ensured that our knees were touching under the table at mealtimes. I'd been under the illusion that he was merely feeding me slack, knowing how desperate I was for him and unwilling to rip all hope from me. He could never be cruel enough to do that; cunning, brave, unsettlingly intelligent and often sarcastic ad snarky, yes. But never cruel. However, his actions only minutes earlier, in front of the desk in my temporary bedroom, were giving me reason to believe that perhaps he wasn't just allowing it to happen for my sake. He'd placed his entire palm right between my shoulder blades and set my entire body on fire in doing so, but why? Was he messing with me, feeding me with hope that I'm not the only one suffering just so that I would attempt something and he could laugh in my face for it. I refused to give him the pleasure. Besides, he had Lily.

James and Lily were sitting at the island in the kitchen when I walked downstairs. Sirius was standing at the fridge, drinking orange juice from the glass jug that always sat in there. He was wearing a black button down that I'd never seen on him before. Soft, silky material and short sleeves. His hair looked more bouncy than usual and I noticed a single wrinkle near the hem of his shirt. I wondered what anybody would do if I was to walk over to him, right then, and put my lips on his. I imagined Lily shrieking in shock and shouting at me for kissing her boyfriend, except Sirius was kissing back and he didn't seem phased by the outraged girl. If only. Instead, I greeted everybody and pretended to fix my shoelaces, knowing that Sirius was looking at me, in his t shirt. I hoped that lily noticed that it was the shirt her boyfriend was wearing less than an hour previously. 

After establishing that everybody was ready, we left the house and got a taxi to the main town, where there were a few bars open. We all got cocktails and sat at one of the outside tables, far away from the door, because Sirius hated sitting next to the door. _Too many distractions_ , he said. They'd all been here before, so I told them to order me whatever cocktails that they were having, since I wasn't sure what was good here. Lily ordered herself a Pina Colada, James asked for a mojito, and Sirius took it upon himself to order a sex on the beach for both himself and for me. _What I wouldn't give_ , I thought. He ordered in French and I shifted in my seat in an attempt to disguise the fact that I'd found his use of French incredibly arousing. I wanted him to whisper things into my ear in French, so quietly that even I could hardly hear it and it would send tingles down my spine. I would have no idea what he was saying but it wouldn't matter because I couldn't care less what he was saying. He cocked his eyebrow at me when he ordered them and I wanted everybody to see that he had. I wasn't so sure why.

"So, Remus, how are you enjoying Paris?" Lily asked, her voice dripping with sweetness and smiling too widely.

"I like it, I haven't actually seen as much of it as I would have liked yet. I kind of get distracted by sunbathing in the back garden and swimming in the lake, but there's still plenty of time left to see the usual touristy stuff." 

"We could take you, if you like. We know the place inside and out, by now." James offered. I liked James. He seemed genuinely kind and sweet. 

"That'd be great, thank you." 

It turned out that the three of them were actually very enjoyable people to be around. They were really funny and exceptionally kind and welcoming. I found it increasingly hard as the afternoon went on to find it in myself to hate Lily, as she genuinely did seem a very nice person, and in any other situation or circumstance, I could actually see myself becoming friends with her. At this time, though, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of becoming overly friendly with her. I didn’t fancy making friends with her and keeping in touch, only to, down the road, have to stick around while she and Sirius got married, had children, and grew old together. I’d spend every day feeling nothing but rage and despair. 

We were drinking our third cocktail of the afternoon when Sirius stood up to use the bathroom, and Lily muttered something about needing the bathroom herself before trailing after him. _Typical._

”So, Remus, are you seeing anybody back home?” 

No, I wasn’t. It’s a good thing, too, because I’m sure if I was, they wouldn’t be too happy about the things I’m feeling and the things I’m thinking about since arriving here. 

“No, not at the moment. Are you?” 

James looked confused for a few moments before he answered. “Well, yeah. Me and Lily are together since school.” 

I almost wanted to shake his hand and thank him. Of course James and Lily were together. James and Sirius were brothers so _of course_ Sirius would he close with James’ girlfriend. Every distasteful feeling I’d had towards Lily, or rather, tried to have towards Lily, disintegrated almost instantly before another, more hurtful thought entered my head. The tiny, almost completely faded bruise on Sirius’ neck that had apparently not been the work of Lily Evans. So, he went into town and let a stranger ruin his perfect skin like that, a stranger who wasn’t me. 

“Did you think Lily and Sirius were a thing?” James had seemingly connected the dots and I felt very exposed all of the sudden. If those two didn’t hurry up in the bathroom then this conversation could easily expose me if I wasn’t careful. 

“Well, yes. Sort of. They do go on as if they’re a couple.” 

James gave a weak sort of laugh and finished off his drink before he replied to me. “Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot. They’re just close friends, though. I thought that you, of all people would have known that.” 

Me of all people? What on earth could that mean? 


	8. Disgusting.

My chest felt far lighter after James told me that Lily was actually his girlfriend, not Sirius'. The uncomfortable lurch in my stomach that had formed the moment I'd first spotted Lily walking with Sirius had finally disappeared, and I found it much easier to carry a conversation with her, to get to know her, to like her. She was lovely, and now I had no reason to try to hate her. 

I still hated him, though. Hated him, loved him, wanted him, wanted him dead, too. I was haunted by the very notion of his existence yet it was all that was keeping me alive. I'd never known that I could feel all of those things simultaneously for one person. 

I passed through the afternoon drinks in a breeze, with just one unsettling thought on my mind. This whole afternoon, I'd been convincing myself that I'd misinterpreted Sirius' gesture back at the house, before he left his t shirt on my bed, because he was with Lily, which meant that it was nothing more than platonic. But now he was single, Lily was with James and that opened up too many new doors for me to count. Could it have been an initiation, a hint? Could he hate me in the gut wrenching, arousing way that I despised him, too?

He didn't. Of course he didn't. There was no point in entertaining those ludicrous thoughts even to myself, all it would do was build hope, feed me something to dwell on and hope for, only to inevitably have to remove it from my grip, because he was Sirius and I was me. I was a house guest, one of many, not the first of this summer and certainly not the last. I was nothing. I had a thought that made me hate him even more; did he do this with all of the house guests? Turn on his charm, knowing that he was irresistible, watch them fall in love with him, worship him, desire him in a way that felt almost inhumane and animalistic, feed them slack, just enough to make them question themselves until he gets bored and leaves them to pick up the pieces of a forgotten never-love that in reality, was nothing but could have been everything. I'd even convinced myself for a brief moment that I could be under a love potion, and a very strong one. It was unlikely, though, so I decided to let that thought go. 

Sirius Black, with his curly hair, satiny shirts and tattoos. Disgusting.

Afternoon cocktails turned into evening beers, which eventually lead to nighttime spirits. We were all drunk, but I didn't mind because I was having fun. They were enjoyable people to be around and It was easy to get along with all of them. Sometimes I found myself slipping into a false sense of security, feeling as comfortable with Sirius as I did with James or Lily, until he would do something like touch my shoulder as he stood, or lean a little too close when speaking, and I'd feel everything to its greatest power and wish myself dead. 

Mr and Mrs Potter were already in bed when we returned to the house. James and Lily skipped up the stairs the moment we came home and I found great comfort in the idea that she'd be sleeping in his bed with him, instead of Sirius', where I'd been under the impression she'd been staying this whole time.

"You came out of your shell tonight." Sirius and I were snacking and drinking water.

"What do you mean?" 

"You've seemed uneasy since you've arrived. Did we intimidate you?" 

"We is the wrong word. It would imply that there was more than one person that I was intimidated by. So, to answer your question, no." 

This caught him off guard. I don't think he had been expecting such honesty, and usually, I wouldn't have supplied it, but the alcohol in my system was making decisions that my sober self would never. 

"Do I intimidate you?" He finally asked.

Yes. Yes you do, Sirius. You intimidate me in a way that makes me want to kill you with no remorse, yet I also want to never let you leave my sight. What I feel for you, I don't know, but I know that you have the power to kill me with a single touch and if that is not intimidating then I can't imagine what is.

"Would you be uncomfortable with it if I was?" I was hoping that this was me trying to tell him a lot more than 'you intimidate me'. 

"I wouldn't be uncomfortable." Did he know what he was admitting or was he ignorant to the thinly veiled other meaning of this conversation?

"And that would make you comfortable?" 

"I suppose so." 

I couldn't sleep that night no matter how hard I tried. I contemplated leaving the house in the middle of the night and getting the next flight home. I even went so far as to pack my absolute essentials into my rucksack and leave it by the door, but I knew I wouldn't use it, even if it was all that I was thinking about. To think, only a few short weeks ago, I had never known what it was to be so utterly obsessed with someone that you weren't sure whether you want them or if you want to be them, to feel so much towards a single person that your whole body feels numb and you would give anything to stop existing if it meant being free of their existence, because one persons existence can be the single most painful thing on earth. Life was so simple back then, when Sirius Black was a name I knew only vaguely and hadn't thought of in a very long time, yet now it was one that would haunt me for the rest of my life. 

You kill me, Sirius. You kill me so I wish to haunt you every day until somebody kills you in the same way, only then will we be even because the need to haunt will no longer exist, somebody else will have taken the liberty.


	9. .....

New Chapter Pending, I Promise ..


End file.
